Weekend Comedy

5 events to be featured on “Jessmo’s Reality Show” if garnered a contract by FOX to capture the reality that was my life this past weekend:

1. Curled against a 83-year old women on her birthday.

2. Curled whilst negoitating my way around two frozen, dead pigs positioned behind the hack on Sheet 4 at the Claresholm Curling Rink who were later roasted on a spit.

 3. Attemped to convince my mother not to purchase a mulberry coloured Pet Stroller to showcase her new Pomeranian’s at dog shows this summer.  Mission an abyssmal failure.

4. Watched my Dad belly dance ontop of a pool table to win a BBQ.  Fucking hilarious!

5. Assured my grandmother that my 87-year old grandfather is not in the hospital with an unidentified source of bleeding because he ate something “sharp.”

My favourite things..

A depiction of my favourite things:

My dog.  Frankie.

Pink cadillacs.  (I found this dog toy at a pet store recently.  The toy is probably more mine than it is Frankie’s.  She is completed disinterested by it.  In fact, I had to force it upon her to take this picture.)

My curling gear.

My couch. (Where I spend an inordinate amount of time reading for my upcoming candidacy exam, or watching TV in a desperate attempt to avoid reading).

My blankie.

Me in a nutshell

In grade school my brother offered his friend something to drink after class.  The singular option in our family household ”Caffeine free, sugar free” Diet Coke.  My brother’s friend was like, “What’s the point?”  We collectively giggled.  I love this memory.

Ipod “Truth”

I was reluctant to do this…  but here it goes.  My friends will love me despite my musical tastes, right?

1. Open up your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below type the song that’s playing.

5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. No repeat artists…stuff happens (randomly!!)
7. No cheating or doctoring your list to make yourself look cooler than the person you took this from.

Opening Credits: A Good Horse – The Cardigans

Song for a Winter’s Night: Breath for Another – Esthero (Where did I get this tune?)
First Day of School: 21 Things I Want in a Lover – Alanis Morissette (New Jessmo cirriculum)

Falling in Love: Hands up in the Air – Craig David
Breaking up: Come Back to Bed – John Mayer (This is pretty funny considering an ‘ex’ once asked me to “come back to bed” after we broke up!)
Prom: Tell Me Something I Don’t Know – The Thrills
Life’s OK: In My Place – Coldplay

Mental Breakdown: Love is Everything – K.D. Lang
Driving: Waitin’ on the Wonderful – Aaron Lines
Flashback: Right for Me – Justin Timberlake

Getting Back Together: Wrong Again – Martina McBride
Wedding Scene: A Heart Like Hers – George Strait

Sex Scene: You Can’t Take the Wings Off Me – Reba McEntire (Uhmmm…)
Shelter: You Could Be So Cold – Wild Strawberries

Birth of Child: My Baby Loves Me – Artist Unknown (How appropriate!)
Final Battle: Is Anybody Home? – Our Lady Peace

Death Scene: A Home – Dixie Chicks (Actually a good fit despite the misleading title)
Funeral Scene: Sweet Old World – Emmylou Harris
End Credits: Sexuality – K.D. Lang

———————————————————————–

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following.
Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs? 4130 (on the iPod)

Sort by Artist.

First Artist: I Do Cherish You – 98 Degrees (Pisses me off everything I hear it)

Last Artist: La Grange – ZZ Top (Again, where did I get this?  Who is he? Prolly some important songster I should know about - he sounds old)

Sort by Song Title.

First Song: ‘Til I Cry You Out of Me – Sozzi

Last Song: Zoo Station – U2

Sort by Time.

Shortest Song: 0:58 “Kung Pao” – Brad Paisley (not really a song, just annoying talk)

Longest Song: 15:57 “Eskimo” – Damien Rice

Sort by Album:

First Album: “1’s” – Mariah Carey’s Greatest Hits (Sigh, yes I do have this) 

Last Album: Your Man – Josh Turner

How many songs come up when you search for “sex”? Only 4 L (Goodie – “I Only Want Sex” – Jann Arden)

How many songs come up when you search for “death”? 11 (only Death Cab for Cutie stuff)

How many songs come up when you search for “love”? 337

Most Frequently Played Song: Gone – Aaron Pritchett (87 count) (Since May, 2006, I think.  My gang of gal pals know why this is the case!)

I don’t know how to do the rest…  me stupid!

Whoa Nelly! There’s a lot of Jessmo’s out there.

Heretofore, I incorrectly thought that my nickname was SPECIAL.  Cry, cry, cry!!  This aspiration was crushed dispairingly tonight.  I recently set up a myspace account and when trying to define my blog address using the ally “jessmo” I was denied access!!  Furthermore, I was denied not only once, but twice.  The names “Jessmo” and “Jessmo1″ were already taken.  Sigh.  My response… (a typicaly sociological one if you ask me)…  Let’s put those research skills into use and find out what’s going on here.  The conclusion of my mini-study: The world is drowning in Jessmo’s.  Man alive, I can’t even be an individuated individual in the cybernetic world.  We really are connected.  So, with that being said…  Girls (and lads, I think there is one male Jessmo, located in Alaska, USA), what’s the story?  What’s the dilly-o, how did you get your nickname? 

My story:

When I was an undergraduate student at the University of Alberta, I often wrote papers and studied late at night (much like what I continue to do today).  In my blurry-eyed and caffeine induced state (due to a combined Hazlenut coffee and diet-coke overdose) , I’d attempt to write my roommate (coincidentally who was also my cousin) a note.  But, uhm, due to sleepiness, laziness, and pure stupidity (I blame the caffeine and intoxicating lure of undergraduate statistics that I was likely studying at the time), I would have difficulties spelling my cousin’s name (which is Ryley, by the way).  I could never remember if the “e” went before the “y” or what (Note: do not name your kid Ryley – there could be more dumbassess like me out there).  My solution was to begin each note with the following “Ryleeeoooo” and proceed to babble non-sensically (much like what I’m doing now) about what I had accomplished that night.  In turn, Ryleeooo, in the morning while I was sleeping off my caffeine-induced hang-over, would pen me a note titled “Jessmo.”  It’s not a particularly exciting story, but it’s a story nonetheless.

Let me now introduce the Jessmo clan:

This website involves a network of Jessmo’s in and of itself:

http://jessmo2.tripod.com/

This Jessmo is from Australia:

http://jessmo-0.spaces.live.com/PersonalSpace.aspx?_c02_owner=1

This Jessmo is from Belle Vernon, Pennsylvania, USA:

http://www.myspace.com/jessmo

This Jessmo is from Anchorage, Alaska, USA:

http://www.myspace.com/jessmoak

This Jessmo is from Cardiff, United Kingdom:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=61428287

Finally, here’s another Aussie Jessmo:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=8595562&Mytoken=06525FAD-0FF9-49AF-880873A99FDD507631111123

So, tell me your stories!  I’m waiting.

 Cowtown Jessmo out.

Looks like Starbucks has got some competition!

Just in case you’re in need of a new, hip way to get your caffeine fix, here are the highlights of caffeinated soap.  “What will they think of next?” [insert sarcasm inflection here]

a. Each bar of soap contains about 200 to 250 mg of caffeine per use.
b. It has a refreshing fragrance of peppermint oil.
c. It stimulates the senses and the skin.
d. A bar of soap lasts for 12 to 15 showers.
e. It reduces cellulite in the body and can apparently reduce the risk of skin cancer.
f. It makes the skin smooth and soft.
g. This soap contains significantly less chemicals.
h. It is 100% vegetarian with a glycerin base.
i. The caffeinated soap costs $5.99 for a bar of soap.