Weekend Comedy

5 events to be featured on “Jessmo’s Reality Show” if garnered a contract by FOX to capture the reality that was my life this past weekend:

1. Curled against a 83-year old women on her birthday.

2. Curled whilst negoitating my way around two frozen, dead pigs positioned behind the hack on Sheet 4 at the Claresholm Curling Rink who were later roasted on a spit.

 3. Attemped to convince my mother not to purchase a mulberry coloured Pet Stroller to showcase her new Pomeranian’s at dog shows this summer.  Mission an abyssmal failure.

4. Watched my Dad belly dance ontop of a pool table to win a BBQ.  Fucking hilarious!

5. Assured my grandmother that my 87-year old grandfather is not in the hospital with an unidentified source of bleeding because he ate something “sharp.”

My Grandfather

What comes to mind when I think of my grandfather – a compilation of artifacts and special memories:

 

Apple pie (or pie of any kind, but apple is his favourite)

Gingersnap cookies (he loves to throw them across the room at me during my tea visits)

Peanuts for his squirrels (even when he is really sick, the squirrels must be fed)

Orange glasses and one hefty magnifying glass (he is legally blind but some vision remains)

Duck tape (to fix glasses above, for Gramps, duck tape is akin to the Windex cure-all featured in My Big Fat Greek Wedding)

Paperclips (they are magical like duck tape, and are often found beneath duck tape when being used to fix his glasses)

Sunflowers (there is a picture of us on the wall in his bedroom taken when I was around 5 or 6 while at the family farm)

His cane which he uses to walk Farley his equally disabled canine counterpart (Farley was formally my dog, but he stole Farley from me with his love, see comments below)

Cutting off his arm hair when I was a young-un (and yes, he allowed me to do this – I wanted to be a hairdresser when I grew up and needed the practice)

Playing checkers on his bed

Trips to Wendy’s to get French fries and the most recent kids toy (specifically, dinosaur characters from Land Before Time)

His undying love and affection for animals of all kinds

His specialized meat treats for his dogs – unseasoned steak and chicken (it’s no wonder I lost Farley to him!)

Scotch or Rye and Coke (and lots of it!)

Decaf Instant Nescaf coffee (ugh!)

Cardigans (in particular, one I convinced him that needed to be retired last year; it was thread-bare, full of holes, stained and purchased during the 1988 Olympics)

A rake (even in his 80’s he insists upon helping out my Uncle with his gardening business)

The Calgary Herald and
Calgary Sun (which he reads religiously everyday to the best of his ability with his magnifying glass)

Don Newman (CBC’s program ‘Politics’ is one of his favourites)

William Shakespeare (he can recite by memory the rarest of passages)

Classical music

Football, hockey, and golf – watching the game or a golf tourney is more important than anything else, and I really do mean anything else!

Prank Caller? Pet Cemetary?

Scene 1 

Noonish.  My cell phone rings, but only once.  I check my missed calls.  Call display tells me that my grandmother just called.  6ish.  I check my messages.  I have one message.  I listen to 3 minutes worth of the sound of a television blaring loudly.  It is the unremarkable sound of the TV in my grandparents sitting room.  12:08am.  I answer my phone.  It’s my grandmother.  She wants to know what I’m doing at the moment and what I was doing earlier.  This is usually how our conversations proceed.  I tell her I was curling like I do most Saturday nights but she’s forgotten.  I ask her what she did today.  “Well Jessie she says, I tried to call you about 100 times, but I couldn’t remember your number.  I must write it down.  I kept trying 591-XXXX rather than 519-XXXX.”  I’m told the lady on the other end was very friendly.  “When I went to lie down for a nap, I was inspired,” she says further, “and realized that I was mixing up the numbers.”  Oh dear, I think to myself.  I should have called her back after the first missed call.  These singular rings on my cell phone have become more frequent lately.  I guess this is the back-story. 

Scene 2 

I go visit my grandparents after my curling game today.  I ask where the yellow bouquet of flowers on her side table came from.  Gran tells me that they are from the vet.  Last week my grandparents had to put to sleep their 21-year old cat named Poppy.  She states further that she recently picked up Poppy’s ashes.  “What did you do with them?” I ask.  Her response, “They are in the filing cabinet with the others!”  I inquire further and Grampa takes me to the cabinet in their living room and proudly shows me 4 sealed, wooden boxes baring gold plaques with the names of three of their former cats (Suzie, Buddy, Poppy), and dog, Monique.  I’m flabbergasted and can’t determine if my grandparents belong in the looney-bin (which is not funny considering scene 1) or if their cabinet pet cemetery is pure genius.